Junk in the trunk?

This is what greets me in the locker room this morning at the gym.


On good days I can laugh at the silliness of all these periodicals.  Who could ever take it seriously, right?  It’s outrageous what they think we’ll fall for?  Right?  Right?!?!?

But on days like today, I just get royally peeved.  Please remember that I grew up in Zimbabwe, which is a former British colony, so peeved is fairly serious.

What is this piece of journalistic garbage doing in a supposed place of health and fitness?  As if the wall-to-wall mirrors and Katy Perry blaring “I kissed a Girl”were not enough to endure, must I also be reminded that I do not have J.Lo’s photo-shopped posterior?

I will never, ever, have J.Lo’s dancer rear-end, and might I say I would look somewhat comical if I did?

Here are a few reasons why.

1.  I come from Norwegian descent.  This gives me a genetic propensity to developing melanoma cancer, but not necessarily having an attractive bum.  Having some junk in the trunk is apparently not an important DNA requirement for Scandinavian fisher-folk.

2.  I am not a professional singer/dancer/actress and thankfully do not earn any wage as a result of my image or any singing and dancing talent, which is nil.  I also don’t employ a staff consisting of a full-time trainer, aesthetician, chef, stylist, nanny, personal assistant, and magazine editor who work tirelessly to ensure I continue to make money and sell lots of magazines.  To us.

3.  I am an average mom of four, who, as she writes this still has not showered six hours after her workout and can actually smell herself.  If I am lucky, I can find an hour to run some miles on the treadmill a few times a week or squeeze in some yoga.  I am my family’s sole chef, nutritionist, personal shopper, homework editor, counselor, tutor, nurse and housekeeper.  We are looking for a full-time stylist, if anyone knows of someone?

Seems none of my daily tasks seem to require a high, firm butt, but I might be missing something.

Let’s not be dumb or numb, beautiful women.

Get peeved with me!  Don’t give attaining someone else’s rear end two seconds of your time, or one teeny blip of your attention.  Throw that crap (sorry grandma, but that’s what it is…it belongs in the toilet) in the trash with a snort, if not for your own sanity, then for the tender souls of our daughters and those who follow behind.

Peace and discernment to you this Wednesday,


7 responses to Junk in the trunk?

  1. Anonymous says:

    Bravo to this one! And I’m proud to say I don’t know who Pippa is, nor do I want her rear end. I’ve struggled with squatty body and self image my whole life, but its so nice to get to 40, and not care…very much…and just be grateful for what works! You really helped me with that, ya know? I think you really take people as they are…and try to see them as God sees them! And I love trying to aspire to that. Thanks, Kim.

  2. Anonymous says:

    I’m with you Kimmy!! Thank you for celebrating what God gave us and what is natural….. and ours – whether round, long, more east to west than north to south sometimes, smiling, aching, wonderfully ours.
    XOXO ~ JJG

  3. Given Breath says:

    When I was very small, I used to have a poster in my room that read “I know I’m beautiful ’cause God don’t make no junk!”

    Pretty true:) Thanks for the note.

  4. Given Breath says:

    Well JJC, some of mine is heading south rather alarmingly fast, but you are absolutely right, thanks be to God.

  5. Rachel B. says:

    “J.Lo’s legs, Rihanna’s abs, Pippa’s butt”…ha! This is a little too reminiscent of the monster of Frankenstein, and that didn’t turn out well, did it? These lies are so destructive for the female psyche, and it’s a constant battle for women and fitness professionals alike. Your body is beautiful, treat it well.

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