I am alone again, and realizing that I don’t do alone very well.
I am struggling to pray or write, to find the good. My mind is foggy for all the silence that stretches out before me this week. Any focus I manage to muster is soft and my generosity is exceedingly thin.
There have been days and weeks in recent memory where I begged God for some solitude, a little respite from the needs and noise of others. Please, just a few quiet moments to gather my thoughts and be alone for a short while.
The issue for me today is not the lack of human companionship. Truth be told, I’ve not been doing very well when people are present, either.
I am not lonely in the least. I like solitude and deep quiet.
But my unsettled and cagey spirit realizes today, for the umpteenth time in my life, that I have been alone for too long.
Being alone is a heart decision.
Being alone is rather different from being lonely. I can choose to be alone, queen of my own island, no matter what teeming ocean or trickling stream I am placed in during any season of life.
Living out days alone isn’t instantly solved by introducing other interesting people, just as finding rest and peace won’t be attained simply by removing them.
Our hearts are too deep, too alive for that.
Significant others, or the lack thereof, are not the ultimate contributor to my aloneness. Neither can husbands, children or friends ever be the ultimate solution to my sustained joy and purpose.
So, how do I know if I am alone, or just lonely today?
1. How many times in the last week have you said you were sorry? If it’s been awhile since you sincerely admitted you were wrong, you are probably tired and feeling alone.
2. When was the last time you read your Bible or gathered with other struggling sinners in a church? If it’s been a while, you are probably feeling overwhelmed or bitter with life and you are quite alone.
3. Are you upset with more than one person right now? Multiple conflicts with various individuals is a sure sign of being very alone.
4. What do you spend most of your time talking about? If the bulk of your conversation is about the failings or dislike of another (including yourself), you are quite alone.
During his thirty-three years on earth, God’s own son was often lonely. But we also know that Jesus Christ was also the only person who never chose to be apart (alone) from God. He did not sin, didn’t want to be alone, or on his own island. He was always in step with his heavenly father and God’s spirit, doing God’s will on earth just as it was being done in heaven.
Sin is just another way of saying “I want to be alone and queen of my own island.” But reigning over my own kingdom absolutely hardens my heart. A hard heart is so unbecoming and ugly, I can testify first hand. But, this does not have to be a permanent condition, lucky for me!
“Wherever your treasure is, Kim, there the desires of your heart will also be.” (Matthew 6:21)
My treasure is not found on my own island. It is found only in the one who made me, who gives me breath, who repeatedly melts my heart of stone, and whose spirit sustains me to do his will on earth, even as it is being done in heaven.
Grace and peace to you if you are alone or lonely today.
Kim
Given Breath 
I couldn’t even make it through the whole post..yep, that’s me today. Yep, I’ve been in this place too long, too. It’s probably a good thing that I am by myself right now, because it’s time to cry and talk to God..but more importantly let Him talk to me. I imagine the first thing He is going to tell me is to cut myself and everyone else some slack….
Thank you Kim. Love and hugs to you, girl.
We talked about how much we miss you at workout today, particularly me missing you “pushing” us (aka, yelling at us) to work harder. 🙂 I love and need that and you do it so well! I am glad we get to hear your heart through this blog…helping to “push” us toward good thinking and other kinds of hard work. Thanks Coach Kim.
TB
Hey girl…
I just a finished a long stretch of that–being alone. Reading your blog helps me to not be so alone along with talking to God. Lately, I have been feeling very peaceful. I run and take many walks out here in the country and at night I actually do look up and thank God for the beauty around us… especially the stars out here on a clear night and the milk way and scorpions, snakes, wasps, tarantulas, fire ants, sticker burs, and cactus needles which all seem to make their way to me. Okay, so the last few are not so beautiful but I am never spiritually or physically alone with all that God provides. I just have to remind myself to step back take a look and listen.
I am a little worried about how much I talk to myself lately. I am noticing I have a Texas drawl sometimes…hmmm.
Love to you and miss you!
Kim….I’m so glad you are sending these wonderful and inspirational messages. I just read that His name is a strong tower. I’m so glad I can run to that name and be safe….from loneliness, fear, sadness, anger, anxiety….all my stuff.
May God bless you and your family in all His sweet ways.
June Stock
Dearest Kimba how I just loved reading this true and meaningful words this morning! Thanks so much!! Honey poo! Hidden in Him!!
Grace, grace and more grace. There is always more grace!
TB – When have I ever yelled at you? 🙂
LASJ…
“…scorpions, snakes, wasps, tarantulas, fire ants, sticker burs, and cactus needles…”
Do you want anyone to visit you, ever? Thanks for the note:)
Thank you! Love that.
HP –
You are a good encourager. I know sometimes you are lonely, but my prayers for you are that you will always feel connected to the Vine who bears all this good fruit through your faithfulness. Much love to you always.