In 1994, I became the head coach of a college volleyball program. Ever the consummate professional, on hearing the words “You’re hired” I flung myself across the room to awkwardly bear-hug my (now, rather unnerved and alarmed) new boss.
David and I threw boxes and a queen-sized bed into the U-Haul and moved to the pink cherry blossoms of North Carolina…and depending on your era, my life was a sunny Bruno Mars/Karen Carpenter/Neil Diamond-type song.
Except when it wasn’t.
I labored hard and long in my new career. It took my heart and attention and all of my energies. It wasn’t just a job; in my mind, it was a calling and a mission. I wanted so desperately to earn the favor and respect of my peers and athletes. But mostly, I wanted to win.
And then I had babies.
David retired from teaching and coaching football to stay at home with the boys, while I hauled a breast pump through airports and worried about the next victory, and the next big recruit. Both were so very difficult to come by those years, largely because I had the experience and wisdom of a gnat.
I rarely went to any church gatherings outside of Sunday morning worship.
At first it was because I was ‘really busy’ and wanted to guard time with the family. But, after a while it was because I really ‘didn’t fit’ anywhere, in my opinion. No one seemed to understand or account for my ‘very special’ situation, and so I pouted around the fringe of real fellowship, and then just stopped ‘trying’.
Of course, I felt justified in my lack of communion. It was obvious that I was the odd woman out. There were clearly no real places for me to connect. I was completely atypical from all the Southern stay-at-home moms who gathered midday for Bible study…what the heck? Didn’t the leadership know that some of us worked? I was disconnected from the body, and I blamed the body for my apathy.
My problem had deep roots (pride), but they were hidden and blind to me at the time. Those seven years of non-communion with the body of Christ slowly took a toll, and I eventually ended with a serious bout of spiritual and physical depression. My heart was dry and tight. I felt knotted up, a shell of my real self, and so very tired.
Looking back, I wouldn’t trade those years for anything.
For it was then that I came to really know Jesus and cherish his church. God’s spirit unearthed my smug sin and revealed the loveliness of his people. He watered the seeds of faith he had planted in me long ago. Best of all, he let me in on my true calling: to forever champion the church and encourage her saints in faith.
Friends, are you involved in any regular communion of saints beyond Sunday worship? Are you slightly miffed that there is no place for you, and so withhold yourself from the body of Christ? If so, can I tell you what I needed to hear back then? I might not have received it well (most certainly not), but it would have been truth.
You are in danger: Your mind is darkening and your heart is getting dry. Your soul is ripe for the enemy’s lies, false worship, and life-stealing temptations. You are rooted in what, exactly? Your own strength? Your own wisdom? This self-path is taking you where you do not want to go.
Get yourself in a regular small group: Thinking you can go solo only extends your streak of spiritual stupid. What is feeding your soul these days? God’s gathered people are his means of truth and grace and protection.
Stop whining, Kim: For the love of all things holy - listen to yourself! You are a Christian. Who would know by your words?
Don’t wait to be considered: Your situation is not so unique that everyone needs to stop what they’re doing to accommodate you. Jesus died as a ransom for you - you’ve already been considered with the greatest care and cost. Consider caring for another.
You are not the only one: Do you really think you are the only one who feels out of place? Are you the only person who doesn’t fit the mold (whatever that is)? Come on, now - get over yourself already. Aren’t we all a bunch of rag-tag misfits that Jesus (miraculously) has called saints?
The kingdom is here: You have been placed where you are by God himself to make visible the invisible kingdom of God. No one can do it exactly like you, because they are not you. But equally true, no one can do it apart from the church.
You are going to be thankful for this: God’s always doing something before you know it, and he is faithful to finish what he starts. Turn to him even now and listen for him. Find your joy in him, and can give you a new heart for his people.
The church is far from perfect, friends, but isn’t that the beautiful part? The world expects perfection, but we follow the one who died for us while we were still eons and eons from perfect.
Kim
What wisdom Kim, which I will share with a couple of girls who need to hear it. God’s grace allows us to wallow sometimes in muddy and shallow places before He moves us to places of pure and deep waters. Blessings abundant on you and your dear ones. Sharon would be SO PROUD and THANKFUL.
Judi Hiller
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Thank you, sweet Judi, for your constant encouragement. It means more than you know…
Kim,
Thank you so much for your sharing.It was so rich and enlightening. I agree with Judi, how Sharon would rejoice over your precious growth in Him!!
Love you dear one,
Cree
Cree, the best thing that ever happened to me (David) was born and raised by the lovely Sharon Hall. I miss her. She loved me even, and especially, in all my unlovely moments:) I am so grateful for YOU! Thanks for the never-failing encouragement. How’s the new house????
xoxo
Oh my oh my, you must have have me in mind when writing this, I can so identify with this in the moment and time in my life…..feeling out of place and not knowing where should I be…..thanks Kim. Much Bindura love
You have a wonderful way with words! These are my thoughts/feelings exactly…but less jumbled!
Thank you thank you for some much needed guidance!
I will definitely be sharing!
Wow, this is wonderfully worded! I have struggled with feeling out of place many different times, but it always comes down to whether or not I am CHOOSING to live in community. You are right that the root of it is pride, but I also find apathy/laziness to be a huge factor. It is just plain work sometimes to cultivate relationship, and frankly, I have had seasons where it feels like more work than I am willing to put forth. Well said-I’m glad I stumbled upon your blog. I look forward to reading more. Grace and peace to you.
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Do you ever have one of those moments where you feel like a song / sermon / blog is speaking directly to you? Well this morning, I clicked on a facebook post for one of your blog posts about young women and social medial. I have two young girls and loved your message. But then I kept reading. The next post is the one that spoke to me. I am an athletic trainer, and like you I am the one who works long hours at athletic events while my husband, a teacher, is the parent at home for our girls. I too feel like no one else understands my schedule and our unique situation. I dont have time for mother’s day out or wednesday bible study. I have felt left out and on the fringe of the cliques at our church. We have stopped going on sundays and can’t find a small group that we like. But something has been nagging me inside that I need to get back. I need to get back to church. I’d tell my atheltes to suck it up and get back in the game. Thanks for your message and I look forward to hearing more from you!
Just the advice I needed today. Thank you so much for sharing.
I am in exactly the place you describe. I am still not sure where I fit in the church or if I fit in the church, but I sure love Jesus. In so many ways, I am not sure I want to be associated with church. I am praying about it, though.
This is so beautifully written! Thank you for putting into words exactly what I need to remind myself daily! I’m so glad I found your blog!
i’m a bit in tears right now. my heart is dry and tight and it sucks. thanks so much for your words, for your openness. i am re-reading your advice again, then i’m going to actually read the bible study that my online friends and i committed to. i think that’s a good start.
Love this, just love it. Thank you for sharing so well what many in the workforce have struggled with and sorted through. Your honesty and encouragement is beautiful.
I found this post because of your post to your sons’ female Facebook friends, but this is the one I was actually meant to read! Not only for the main point of the article, which I have been feeling lately myself, but also because I have been looking for other strong Christian women who work hard in a professional career while their husbands raise the children, but who still recognize the husband as head of the house - they are very few and far between. I would love to correspond with you more in a one-on-one setting, if you ever have time for that sort of thing. I have some questions about how you managed it all!
Oh, ouch. That’s some cold water dashed on my pity-party. (Or a breath of fresh air in a suffocating place?) Could you tell me what turned you around? What helped you see the loveliness in those you couldn’t relate to?? I’m there, and I want out. Throw me a rope?
Yup, needed to hear that! I have some very persuasive and compelling excuses! My excuses for not going to church - even though I was raised in church and attended christian undergrad and graduate schools - are very egocentric. I feel sufficiently chastised/inspired. Thank you.
This is beautiful. Thank you.
Good word Kim. I could not agree more. I have been so impressed lately with the community aspect of faith. All the commands, commissions, and even the fruit and gifts of the Spirit are only doable in community. We can not look anything like God without community. In fact - God crucified His dear Son - The Truth - The Word - in order to restore relationship.
We have made it about percentages and time quota’s and attendance records, rather than friendship and loving the unlovely.
Sorry - i am starting to preach - i will stop now - except to say - AMEN - good word.
Ben Neslon
really loving your blog! I came across it on Face book and now I can’t stop reading!
This is really pretty. I feel like this all the time. We are living far from home and far away from our church and families. Often I wish that we could go to church, but I’m a bit of an introvert, and we live in a city. I am scared of everyone. So we stay at home and away from large crowds of people. Thank you for letting me hear your struggles. I think it has helped me take a step in the right direction.
Thank you for this. It was so convicting and what I needed to hear!
Thank you for this beautiful, straightforward, and timely post. I am struggling right now, as I am in the midst of what you described. An active duty mom, trying to figure out where the heck I fit into the church. This post is what I needed to see to snap me out of it… Thank you.
Thanks for this Kim! I have been feeling just that way (“mid-week women’s bible study! but I work!…”) and have even backed out of a study I had committed to. I will not back out of this next one. Definitely in need of fellowship.
It’s frustrating that you seem to attribute a healing of your depression to God, when, in fact, most people who isolate themselves are depressed, and research has found that when healing, people who are depressed often become less depressed when they interact socially with others. I think it is inspiring that you found healing in a dark time in your life. I think its unfair to attribute that healing to the supernatural when it was probably the courage, understanding and acceptance of FRIENDS and people who are close to you and care about you that facilitated your healing heart. I think it does a disservice to them to steal their credit.
Such wisdom as this needs to be shared. I needed to hear it, and I know many others who should, too. Thank you for writing this. I’d like to link to it from my own blog because it takes courage to show your dirty stuff and own up to the times you’ve fallen short.
I happened upon your blog from your viral post about protecting your boys from pictures of scantily-clad young women. (Loved it, by the way. Modest is hottest!) I whole-heartedly agreed with it, and ended up seeking out your blog to read more. Then, I found myself reading this entry, as I sat alone in my room on a Thursday night, while my church group is gathered for our weekly Bible study. This isn’t the first time I’ve missed it recently. And I can add it to the other activities I’ve been gradually shying away from.
Kim, this is what I needed to read. I’m not seven years into it, but I can feel my heart changing, hardening. This was a great reminder that it’s not about fitting in - it’s about my relationship with Christ and helping others develop their own. I’ve already bookmarked this post to read as an encouragement in the upcoming days.
But one more comment on the coattails of your other post: You will most likely get a great deal of flack for your rules about blocking immodest girls. Turn the other cheek, sister! I married at 20, and a year later discovered that my then husband had a pornography addiction. Immodesty is a very real threat! As much as girls (including myself) need encouragement to dress to honor ourselves, God, and those around us, it made my heart SO HAPPY to know that there’s a mom instilling those values in her boys, raising Godly men! People like you give people like me hope, that someday I’ll find a man who is respectful enough to turn away from that and seek those things that bring him (us) closer to our Heavenly Father.
Bravo, my sister. And thank you.
Thank you. Well written and much needed today.
Your words truly inspired and touched me. They made me want to be a better person and have more faith in Christ. I came to your blog through a link on Facebook to your awesome post about girls posting skimpy media pics. I loved it! But the I happened to click through and found this post. This post- the one I really needed to read and hear. I definitely was led here. Thank you so much for your encouragement and courage to share the good news of Christ.
Wow what a gift you have to put what is on your heart into words and touch the hearts of other people! I have just read two of your posts (this one and your message to girls) and I already feel like we are sisters in the Lord, playing on the same team with Jesus for our coach! My husband and I have a house with 8 college girls that live with us (some international students) … If you are ever in Lewiston, Idaho we would love to have you come over for coffee, meet the girls and share your heart with them! God bless you and your beautiful family! My husband and I also have 3 sons, 1 daughter, all grown now and I’m going to share this post with them!
I needed this, Kim. Thanks for sharing what you learned. Since our culture has changed so much since 1994, I don’t fit in because I stay home with my kids [and telecommute], and my complaint is “Don’t they know not everyone works outside the home?” I feel like all our church meetings and activities are at night to accommodate the working parents, and by the time everything gets started my boys have already over-extended themselves for day. My problem is complicated, I think, because my husband is on staff at the church, so I am expected to be present to support him. It looks bad when I’m not there. But my kids [babies, really] are TIRED, and I’m disconnected. I’m asking the Lord for an ah-ha! moment of breakthrough.
thank you so much for posting this - I was so in need because I do feel the odd one out and different but I’m going to try and find a niche for me hopefully I’m successful!
This spoke directly to my heart. I needed this today. Thank you God!